Mulligatawny Soup

“The Mulligatawny is now an endangered species”

During the alien war of 1789 the Mulligatawny were cruelly hunted down, quite literally, in their dozens. It was believed, eating a dose of Mulligatawny, would easily give you the strength and courage to fight off these alien invaders. This belief, as we well know, was to no avail. The aliens won.

“A warrior cast alien life form, that travelled an unimaginable distance across the universe, now living quite harmlessly, in the gut of the elite human animal”

Even though the aliens won the war of 1789 it is understood that on eating pigs arse (sausages) the alien gut dwellers were, until recently, being kept calm and well fed. With modern day working conditions being as they are though, the craft of ‘sausage-knotting’ (famously the late Ken Dodd worked as one in his youth) has become almost as extinct as the Mulligatawny itself. All of this has led to a marked reduction in the ingestion of pigs arse by the human elite. The knock on effect being, the alien gut dweller, has begun to change in form.

“As a result of sampling the effluent, in the sewers of large cities, it’s understood the aliens have started leaving their human hosts to become a much more social animal. These new evolved life forms can be found inhabiting the sewers in large communities we now call ‘fatbergs.’”

– Spokesman for Water and Sewerage Services London

“Fatbergs are large alien communities”

When left unchecked, these communities have grown so large, they’ve been found blocking the sewerage systems in affluent districts such as Chelsea, west London. Fairly recently, one of these fatberg-communities, was estimated to weigh in at over ten tons. It’s reported, in order to break up this newly evolved community, tools, such as spades and high pressure water jets have been utilised. Much of the fatberg breaking up and splashing back into the faces of vomiting council workers. Latest reports indicate many of the alien life forms are now evenly distributed throughout the English Channel. Crisis averted. 

We must now ask: will the Mulligatawny ever make it? It would seem the only negative outcome – from the alien invasion of 1789 – has been the near demise of this much maligned and misunderstood animal.

Small, with very short red hair, the Mulligatawny, when cooked, is said to have a fairly mild flavour to begin with, building to quite a spicy kick, with a strong bitter aftertaste. The natives, who originally trapped the animal, are said to have left it to ‘cure’ for so long, that when a soup was made of the meat, the maggots would have been included. All adding to the power and nutritional value of this unusual recipe.

“It’s little understood why or where the belief originated that eating Mulligatawny helps fight off alien invaders”

After all, the tiny spacecrafts they arrived in, looked no more threatening than the popular micro drones often gifted to children at Christmas time. That said, even the bath toys children of the elite in Chelsea play with, have been found to contain more bacteria, than the average splashback from a power washed fatberg. Perhaps we should never always assume a toy to be a harmless plaything?

It remains to say, no matter the privilege, money or favour, there’s no escaping the realities of life: The Mulligatawny is endangered and alien invaders – for the time being at least – are easily defeated. It’s also worth pointing out, no matter what you believe, the world will keep spinning, micro drones will keep flying, and rubber ducks will stay floating. Remember: Retain a sense of perspective, and keep a good measure of humour – in all aspects of life – no matter the news.